Stay awake..

3am to 11am work schedule is kicking my ass! I so want to take a nap but I know if I do then I won't be able to fall asleep tonight. I have to keep busy so I do not fall asleep..hmmm. What to do, what to do. Oh I know, I will do a load of laundry and then go outside and weed out my Mom's garden! Sounds good to me.

Guest

I just got told that I am a guest in my own home. What a slap in the face.

Hmmm..I wonder.

Do guests clean and cook dinner for everyone in the household? From my knowledge I'm going to have to say no. Well, I guess I will just cook for myself and they'll have to do it on their own.

Are family members allowed to eat guest's food without permission? I think not. From now on I will be keeping anything I buy in my room like every college student that lives in a dorm.

I mean why not throw another 5lb weight on my shoulders.

Woof?

Ok. One weekend alone with all the animals was enough for me. I am going to go ahead and hit the dislike button on the subject of dogs. They're not only annoying as hell but too much work. They smell, bark and go to the bathroom anywhere they simply please.

A couple days ago I organized my room to the point of perfection and there were no smelly odors. Until yesterday when one of the dogs decided to piss on the floor in front of my bed. I was outraged! You can scream at them all you want and tell them they are bad but really they do not listen because they're going to do it again and again. And let me remind you, these dogs are not puppies!

Again, wake up this morning to the sounds of dogs barking their heads off and the lawnmower. Two wonderful sounds to start my day off. I immediately get out of bed, walk up the stairs and I give these dogs the most dirtiest look ever. I walk to the back door to let one of the dogs outside. There is shit on the floor in my family's new three season room with brand new carpet. I was so disgusted, I left it right there and walked away. I will let the head of the household attend to it. He can do all the screaming and yelling.

I am not saying these dogs were not trained because they were. I have no clue what happened. Maybe, they were not trained well?

As of right now, I am downstairs where there is peace and quiet. And just to mention my baby is all curled up next to me. Now, there is a animal that is well trained. He misses his food mama who taught him how to sit and pretty much was his playmate. For now we both wait for the arrival of food mama....

In the dark, alone.

I decided to start up the blog again, figured it will help me express my feelings.

I lay here in my parent's basement at the age of 22, an age that many are living on their own. Well, I was until this big bomb happened in my life. I went from being extremely happy to depressed and angry at the world.

I've been through so much these past two weeks that no one can fathom. My body felt as if it was failing me as I was failing others. I pushed myself into thinking that everything would be fine if I was on the go 24/7 this way I did not think about the real stuff.

Right now, I am at the point where my eyes hurt. No, not from crying but the want/need to cry. I sat in front of my best friend the other day as he told me about his son that just had died 3 days ago. What did I say or do? Nothing. Why? Why did I not try to console him or cry for him? What the fuck is wrong with me?

I need to get myself back on track again. I want to be happy again. Is that too much to ask for?

Back to laying in bed, in the dark, alone.

Way to much...

ok...way too much stuff to do today.

1. Work 8-12 on my day off!
2. Laundry
3. Taking air conditioner out of window
4. Oil change
5. There is something else..I know there is..
6. The Big E

Then to work tomorrow 8 to 3. Friday 3am to 9am. Luckily, I have the weekend off.

I registered for classes yesterday morning. 14 credits! I hope I can do that!

Anyway, It's so nice out today. We got a screen door put on the back door of the apartment, so I'm sitting in the banana chair enjoying the weather. It's actually making me a little sleepy.

PA

Today is my resting day. I have been out and about for like it seems forever. Tuesday, Sugar Mama and I drove 7 hours to go visit my sister at college. It was an adventure and I enjoyed seeing my sister. We picked grapes and and came home with a 10lb. bag. Sugar Mama forgot her cell phone in the hotel room and someone took it. I hope they enjoy all the pictures...lol

We stopped for gas before we got on the road to return home. The man pumping gas for everyone was very ignorant. He said some discriminatory things towards us. At that point, I was hurt and just wanted to get home where we are welcomed in the world.

Anyway, I keep having these weird dreams. I do not know what to think of them. They are creeping me out though.

Well, I have nothing else on my mind.. Go figure?

News

Camp came and went. I had a lot of fun. Made some good memories...#1 pointer before going camping. Make sure you know what the neighbors dog looks like before you get spooked by it.

Everyone had went to bed except a couple of us just sitting around the camp fire. We heard a noise looked behind us, flashed are lights and OMG A WOLF! We all looked at each other like 'omg what do we do?' I said, "I think its time to go inside guys." We all ran for the front door, so around the house we went barged through the door, out of breathe trying to tell others what we had seen.

My Dad, the wise ass he is says, "Oh, you guys saw a wolf did ya? I think you saw the neighbors dog!" He and others continued to laugh at us. I guess the neighbors dogs was huge and looked like a wolf. Needless to say, I was scared the rest of the night.


Anyways, next summer is going to be a big one.

June- 21st Birthday for Bear
July- Mom and Dad's 25th Wedding Anniversary
August- Sugar Mama and I will be getting married

That's right! We are Engaged!

I want to start planning right away but I will have to set it aside due to school starting for Sugar Mama yesterday and soon for me as well.

Well, all for now.

Good News!

I just woke up. French toast is on the stove because my girlfriend is so awesome.

Yesterday was my day off. Sugar Mama and I had fun shopping for the kids at camp and her nephew. We went to Babies R Us and looked at cribs and strollers...there are so many styles. It will make it fun shopping for when that time comes in our lives.

I do have some wonderful information but I cannot spill the beans just yet. Maybe this coming Tuesday I will share. As for friends and family they will find out this weekend at camp. My mom is planning on making an announcement. Funny, right?

Well, my french toast is almost ready. Be back Tuesday from the Adirondacks!

BLAH

So..I am in one of my moods.. I do not know why I get like this. I feel like shit. Like, I know I am down on myself a lot. The kind of mood where you just want to go to bed so you can stop thinking of all the shit you've got running in your head.

I am starting to feel alone at work. I mean, I do talk to my co workers but I always feel as if they are talking about me behind my back. Inventory came and went, now we just have to sort through the boxes. Today, we found product from the year 2000. Crazy right?

My mom and sister just skyped me. My little sister always makes me laugh..I think that was my first smile of the day. Thanks Boo. =)

Tired

I am sooo tired right now...my eyes are open but I do not feel awake..I am in a daze. I've been working a lot lately. Inventory at work. I do not want to do it ever again.. The company that A.C. Moore hired to count sucked. The people were rude and apparently they need to go back to school because they do not know how to count.

This coming weekend is labor day weekend and I will be in the Adirondacks camping it up with some friends. I cannot wait!

I think I am too tired to think...

Mormonism

I recently sat down to enjoy my doughnut and read an article in "The Rainbow Times". The article was very interesting. So, I thought to myself. I wonder if this article is online? As I searched I came across another highlight article that caught my eye. The title, "Mormon image suffers after gay marriage fight".

Now as for me, I am not religious at all. Even growing up I was seldom brought to church and the few times when I was it was the most boring thing I have set through. Hell, I did not even know what "Mormon" meant until I met Sugar Mama.

See, Sugar Mama was raised as a Mormon. When you're a Mormon everything is based upon the church and Sugar Mama has a binder full of awards that she has won from various church events. When she attended BYU she realized that she had that attraction to the same sex.

Now, being a gay woman I have experienced "coming out" to my parents and others. Luckily, my parents and my extended family were welcoming of my new found sexuality. Granted yes, it was very hard for everyone to understand where I was coming from at first but today my entire family has accepted me.

A quote from my mom, "it's always about religion. You cant base that on who you fall in love with. Life is too short. I believe god loves everyone no matter who or what they are."

I am not sure how exactly Sugar Mama told her parents. What I do know is this: Sugar Mama is originally from Idaho. She moved across the country to find people that accepted her unlike her parents and her church. To this day Sugar Mama has no contact with her family. She seldom speaks with her sister but it's always a short conversation. Mormonism is a religion that forces members to choose faith over family. It hurts me to know such information. Would you choose your faith over your own daughter? I know for sure I wouldn't. Sugar Mama's family is at a loss. Sugar Mama is one of the nicest people I have ever met. She has a big heart and she is so strong. She is part of my family now. Just me and her and our kitten.

My point here is that the Mormon church in my mind is brainwashing people. Mormonism teaches that homosexual sex is considered a sin, but gays are welcome in church and can maintain church callings and membership if they remain celibate. So, let me give a scenario. Let's say, a gay man and his lover are Mormons. They are members of the church and go to church on regular basis. What if they were to walk into church holding hands? Would they be banned from the church for doing so? I mean, if they're celibate. You can love someone and still be celibate. See it does not make sense!

Last year at the urging of church leaders, Mormons donated tens of millions to the Yes on 8 campaign and were among the most vigorous volunteers. The institutional church gave nearly $190,000 to the campaign. Pretty much they wasted money on something that one day is going to be voted down. They could have gave the money to area hospitals to help the sick.

I guess what I'm trying to say is gays and lesbians are people too. We are just the same as an average person. You cannot help who you fall in love with whether is be a man or a woman. One day everyone will be equal. No one will care if your a different color or gay.

Here is the article. Take a look. http://www.bostonherald.com/news/national/west/view.bg?articleid=1191228&srvc=rss

Long Day

What a long day. I worked 8.5 hours today although I am starting to feel like a manager. I like working, it's better than sitting home most of the day. I did that yesterday and oh my god was I bored. I took my kitten for a ride in the car to see Sugar Mama at work. Is that weird?

I watch a good movie last night it was about this gay guy in all boys prep school. He got picked on for his sexuality. He joined the school play and some how made this love potion that turned almost the whole town gay. I definitely would watch it again!

http://www.imdb.com/video/screenplay/vi664208153/

Alright, I'm going to settle down for the night!

Wake up!

Today came and went. I swear it feels as if the days just keep getting shorter or something. I'm so tired and I barely did shit today. My kitten is fast asleep as we speak. Not to mention he scratched up my leg pretty good today. Go figure, he doesn't even have front claws.

Anyways, tomorrow I have to do something active. I need to loose some extra baggage that I seemed to accommodate. I was able to wear jeans to work Friday and when I went to go put a pair on they wouldn't buckle! Tried another and they wouldn't buckle. NOT GOOD!

Well, I have to wake up Sugar Mama for work.

NY!

NY! Sugar Mama and I went home Tuesday night. We cooked dinner for my family and afterwards we had a bonfire with some friends. I had a blast. Perfect weather for sleeping in a tent which we both passed out around 2:30am. It was like "pillow, head and out like a light." Wednesday was a busy day. We spent most of the day shopping with my mom and going to doctor appointments. I went to get my back cracked. OUCH!

Doctor: Now, I am going to put this big vibrator on your back. You might like it. It's just to loosen you up.

Me: Chuckles.

But, I was really laughing so hard inside. Plus, the vibrations weren't even that strong. HAHA

Something else that was hilarious. My Mom and my two sisters were thinking of coming to MA to go to Six Flags for the day. We were all discussing the plans when Sugar Mama says, "is there something else to do other than Six Flags? I know you(which is me) do not like to go on rides and I am not going on rides without you." I told her she could go on rides with my sister and her girlfriend. Meanwhile, my Mom is listening to this whole conversation. My mom speaks up and says, "wait, I do not have lesbian to bring!" Oh my god, everyone bursts out laughing!

The past two days were just so much fun and I cannot wait for my family to come and visit next week!

My choice

Is it bad to laugh when someone searches "Sugar Mama" on google they land upon my blog?

The car that I wanted was already sold by the time we got to the dealership today. Oh well. The worst thing was that my Dad was going to help me with a down payment. Guess I will keep searching. Too sooth me over I went and bought a new pair of sneakers...

Another thing, I am really getting tired of people telling me what I should do. Why? Can I not make decisions for myself. No one knows what goes on in my life. No one knows what I am feeling. I woke up this morning with a really good idea and got shot down by 2 different people. Well ya know what, it's not their decision its mine.

MUG-GAY

Today was my really early morning shift. Training for the manager's position is not that bad. Waking up at 2am to be at work by 3 is.

Tomorrow Sugar Mama and I go to look at a car for me. Mazda3 Hatchback. It's awesome!

Any who, my Mom calls me pretty much everyday even if there is nothing to talk about? Sometimes I just do not understand this woman. LOL

Muggy weather is here. Wish it would go away, I hate the feeling of stickiness when getting out the shower. Speaking of shower...a bath would be nice right now. I think first I will smoke, then I will draw a bath and then mix a drink for myself. Yep. That's what I am going to do.

Girl in a Coma

Well...the jewelry aisle is finally finished! My back is to show for all the hard work I did. I worked 10 to 5 today and I am currently sprawled out on my couch in pain. I could use a nap but if I sleep then I wont sleep tonight. Ugh. Decisions.

So..I bought JULY issue of CURVE MAGAZINE and found an article about this band that opens for Tegan and Sara. They are called "Girl in a Coma". I completely fell in love with them when I visited their homepage.

http://www.myspace.com/girlsinacoma

Random

Not much has been happening here in MA. Sugar Mama and I visited NY earlier in the week. I wasn't there for 24 hours and I was already saying 'can we go home'.

It was nice to see my family and some close friends. I cut my hair once again. I just needed it. My hair was looking blah. I like the way it turned out, short.

My Gram came home from the hospital today and she better stay away from it for awhile!

Oh, I have been having a lot of back pain. Damn jewelry aisle is doing me in. Luckily, I have the weekend off to rest. A.C. Moore at its finest with leaks. Yeah, there was yet another leak today and this time it got a lot of product wet. -$300 plus.

I am really random tonight.

Well, there isn't to much more to say!

Sleep Deprived

I didn't get much sleep last night.

Before my sister got here I got a phone call from my Mom telling me that my Gram was in the hospital. She told me not to call because she was drowsy due to all the medicine the doctors had her on. I do not get it, I talked to her Saturday and she seem totally fine.

I guess she has some sort of infection. I cannot imagine life without her. I am returning home to tomorrow night to see her. I was planning on seeing her at her house but now I will be visiting her in the hospital.

Be strong Gram!!

Remembrance

People come and go out of my life which some have greatly impacted me. Teachers, coaches, co-workers, friends and significant others.

Special K decided to apologize to me last week for what she thought had happened in our past. I couldn't except it. When I look back at what my life was like living with her (not in a relationship), I would rather just wish her luck with her future and never speak to her again. Drama is Special K's middle name. For the most part I have cut out a lot of drama when I moved to MA. This is my final goodbye to Special K.

On another note, I looked at my blog today and found that someone had left a comment on my post yesterday. I still do believe when people die they still are around us everyday in spirits. I know this one person would give anything to have their Grandma back physically in her life. Your Grandma is with you everyday, she is in your heart and in your apartment. Trust me, I have seen her. She scared me at first but I know she is there just to watch over you. Make her proud.

Another question...Do I miss the people who have been erased from my life?
Sure, I do. Every single one of them has something about themselves that reminds me of them everyday.

"Nothing is more fatal to happiness than the rememebrance of happiness."